Upside Down Round and Round
by Liv of life
Summary: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy have detention with Filch the traditional way. Hanging from the roof by manacles can bring out strange things in people... rating for language and now, some amount of action SLASH
1. Detention

**Upside Down- Round and Round**

_Disclaimer: Not Mine_

_For Floss! The Twitchy Ferret!_

_Challenge: H/D in Detention, must include the lines: 'not if you were the last junkie on earth' and 'Wheeeeeee! I'm flying!'_

_No I do not know what warranted this detention but I can tell you that something did._

Harry scowled at his feet, his wrists were aching and he just _knew_ that this couldn't possibly be legal! Hanging from the ceiling may have been popular as punishment 200 years ago but hadn't they moved on from all that??? He moaned in frustration. And he'd only been there 20 minutes! 30 to go!

"Don't know what you're groaning about Potter, at least you're the right way up." Harry smirked, true, he had faired better than Draco who was currently hanging upside down from the roof. Harry looked over to where Draco was dangling about two feet from the ground and grinned. He liked him in that position, his flushed face and flopping hair.... Sigh, and such a good view of his chest!

"Oh I don't know, I quite like you in that position."

"Oh go fuck a tree Potter."

"I'd much rather fuck you..." Harry trailed off, WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST SAY???????

"What the hell did you just say?!"

Harry cast a desperate eye around the dungeon, searching for some inspiration "Uh......nothing?" Oh, smooth Harry, real smooth. Normally he would have smacked himself in the forehead, but then again, remembering last time he did that, maybe it wasn't such a good idea......

"Oh..." Draco laughed nervously "Good..... you know, I thought for a second there that you said that you'd rather, uhm....." Harry gulped, Draco nervous was sooooooooo cute!

"You're quite cute when you're nervous." WHAT?!

"WHAT?!"

Okay, definitely need to hit self in head! "Um... why did the chicken cross the road???"

"Let me just get something straight Potter, I wouldn't screw you, not if you were the last junkie on earth."

"I'm not a junkie."

"Then stop acting like one!"

"I'm not!"

"Well all the same, I wouldn't fuck you."

"That's because I'd be the one doing the fucking." Okay, brain is definitely NOT functioning properly, this is now an established fact. Just tot the name 'Harry Potter' down in the Guinness Book of Records, that's it, under 'lowest IQ'. Hold on.... Draco isn't making any noise, maybe he didn't hear.... Harry peered nervously over at Draco. Draco's mouth was hanging open (despite gravity trying it's hardest to shut it).

"HEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! PROFESSOOOOOOOR!!"

Harry hissed urgently at Draco "Shut up!"

Draco hollered some more, evidently he didn't feel like listening to Harry.

"Wheeeeeeeeee! I'm flying!!" The hollering stopped.

"... I beg your pardon?"

Harry blushed "Uh.... Wheeeee I'm flying?"

"And you say you're not a junkie."

"I'm not!" Harry didn't like the disbelieving look that Draco was shooting him.

"I was just trying to shut you up! Geez! Can't you take a joke? I wasn't serious about fucking you." YES! A believable excuse! Harry felt like jumping for joy, but couldn't because his feet were sadly lacking a floor to launch himself from.

"A joke?"

"Yes. A joke."

"Oh." Was it just him or did Draco sound disappointed?

"Are you sure?" Whoa! Wait a minute! Was that hope Harry just heard???? Check out Draco's face.... Well he didn't look ready to murder him, so maybe....

"..........um......... no?"

"No what?"

"No I'm not sure...." Suddenly Harry felt the latches on his wrists give way and fell to the floor, ow, he looked up and saw Draco still hanging upside down, he still had another 30 minutes to go, and was looking at Harry, a little short of terrified.

"Oh okay, you can go now, and I'll just.... Uhm, stay here."

Harry grinned and crawled over so he was sitting a foot from Draco's face "No it's okay, I can keep you company." Draco swallowed nervously

"Uhm, no really, it's okay...." Harry smirked at Draco and ran his fingers through the blonde hair hanging from Draco's now bright pink face. Might just ignore what Mr. Malfoy just said.

"I like your hair like this, it can't get in the way." Harry leaned forward, grabbed the back of Draco's head and pulled him into a kiss, oh this was good, screw the consequences (pardon the pun)! Not until he'd sufficiently run out of air and energy did Harry finally pull away. Cocking his head, Harry's smirk grew even bigger, Draco stared back again, completely gob-smacked (Harry decided he liked puns) his lips swollen from the kiss.

"Wha'?"

Harry checked his watch- 25 minutes till Draco was let down- oh this was going to be fun!


	2. HE knows

Harry woke up and realised it was all a dream... oh no... wait.... Not a dream just wishful thinking

"AAAAAARGH!"

"AAAAAARGH!" Ron leapt up out of bed "What is it? What happened? Where's the bomb?"

"In my pants!"

"In your what?"

"My pants! Thinking downstairs! Locked the attic! Loaf of bread and two buns!" forget the puns, today, was Harry's day of bad metaphors

"You got Hermione pregnant??"

This was enough to make Harry pause in even greater horror

"Oh man I hope not."

"YOU SLEPT WITH HERMIONE?! No fair!"

Harry shook his head, no he didn't sleep with Hermione, there was no way she could possibly be pregnant with his child unless of course she had used artificial insemination, but then he'd never donated sperm, or she might've... no way.... Nasty thought...

"She wouldn't do that while I was sleeping would she???" No, let's not go there.

"Whoa Harry dude, let's not go there."

"Good idea."

"So what you just have a wet dream or something? That's okay, we have house elves."

Harry felt like hitting Ron in the head- didn't he understand??? He'd snogged Draco Malfoy! Oh that's right... he didn't know... hmmm...

"Things are looking up Ron."

"Did you mean that as a pun?"

"No, that was yesterday."

"Oh okay.... So you're alright now?"

"Yes, I believe I am."

"Great, let's go eat."

Harry was about to follow when he realised he was wearing teddy bear pyjamas (they had been Dudley's at one point but Dudley had been getting nightmares about them so they were handed to Harry).

"I'll meet you down there Ron, I need to change."

Ron shrugged, "Suit yourself, I'm just sticking my robes over mine." That said, Ron picked up Dean Thomas' robe (which for some reason was under Neville's bed), chucked it on over his head and sauntered out of the room in his fluffy pink dinosaur slippers.

Harry, having worked out that the problem of Ron not knowing was not indeed a problem at all went into the bathroom to sort out the problem that Draco Malfoy knew and so, therefore resulting in the possible problem of the whole school knowing. Not only was today a day of metaphors, but a day of problems too. Harry stared at his reflection,

"I have a problem."

His reflection stared back and unhelpfully picked its nose.

Sighing, Harry went and stood in the shower only remembering after he had turned on the water to take his Pyjamas off. After watching the pink and blue dye of the teddy bears mix into one another to create a passable poo coloured purple he turned his attention to the shower head which was down so low it was bashing him in the head every time he moved.

Harry looked up.

Dobby looked down.

Harry screamed.

Dobby fell off the shower head.

"DOBBY!"

"Mr. Harry Potter sir! Dobby is sorry for scaring the great and noble if a little sexually deranged Mr. Harry Potter sir!"

Harry scrambled out of the shower and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist, Dobby may have only been a house elf but he sure as hell didn't want to make a point of parading around naked in front of him.

"I'm naked!"

"Dobby is glad you wasn't last night sir!"

Harry was getting really annoyed with hearing Dobby's name all the time, it wasn't that great, actually it was a pretty annoying name.

"Refer to yourself in the first person damnit!"

Then a very nasty realisation managed to seep into his left ear. Before the realisation could go floating out of the other ear Harry spoke

"What do you mean last night? And who are you to call me sexually deranged?! Pervey house elf!"

"Dobby..." Dobby stopped at Harry's attempt at a growl

"Grr argh ack!"

" I mean, I is only coming to warn you sir! I is seeing you last night!"

Horror briefly flitted through Harry's mind before reality set in

"Well that's okay, I'll just order you not to mention it to anyone."

Dobby cringed "Ah yes sir, but I is not the problem..."

"You're not?"

"No sir... see sir, Peeves... he was... well he was there sir."

"There? Where there? There as in there, the where, where I was there?"

Dobby took a while to process this.

"Yes sir. You and nasty Malfoy boy sir."

Harry's bottom jaw made its best effort to launch itself to the floor, only to be kept up by muscle, skin and other bone, all in all it was quite a pointless effort.

"Yes sir. I is not liking you very much now sir. You is kissing evil incarnate."

"Peeves knows?"

"Yes sir, and I is not liking you sir."

Thank the lord for small mercies thought Harry, no more Dobby in the shower stalls then, but oh no....

"Peeves knows?"

"Yes sir."

Harry's screams could be heard reverberating right down into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. In turn, Myrtle, decided to flood the toilets in a tribute to the anguished sound.

_To the Fantobbo Reviewers!_

_**Eggroll: **I'm rather fond of Harry myself (: hehe I'm glad you like him and I'm... concerned or glad haven't made up my mind yet that he reminds you of yourself heheh- hope you enjoyed this latest installment of Harry's high intelligence!_

_**ForgivenLiar:** Have to admit, it was a bit of a toss up whether to put it under the horror genre heheh, happy you liked it!_

_**ZiaRenete:** OMG believe it or not I didn't even think of that- wupps, at least you reckon it's great- thankyou!_

_**Nightborn Angel: **Mind you don't drool too much! Hehe- I'll try to keep the ring up in later chapters- this one was sadly lacking in Malfoy sniffle but make no mistake! He will be back!_

_**Buggle:** Yay for puns! Hope you liked my metaphors too!_


	3. SaggyBum

Harry woke up with a headache and thought for a second that he had a really bad hangover. The second did not last very long though and wandered off to make space for the next second which brought forth the realisation that he had in fact simply bashed his head against the tiled floor upon fainting in horror. Looking blearily around Harry was pleased to note that Dobby had left, especially as his towel had fallen off, leaving him naked once again.

"You're naked."

Harry glared at the mirror on the roof (who puts mirrors on the roof anyway?)

"I know."

"Just checking."

Harry humphed and grabbed his towel, leaving his teddy bear pyjamas to fester at the bottom of the shower (which incidentally, was still on) and grouched out of the room into his dormitory.

Upon reaching his dormitory Harry discovered that all of his clothes smelt like asphalt and so he grouched some more, grabbed some of Rons clothes and a robe of undeterminable origins and was about to dress himself when he realised that not only did Peeves know the terrible but

"All my undies have disappeared!"

Harry grouched again, he hated not wearing underwear.... Harry's gaze drifted uncomfortably to Ron's top draw... he really needed some.... No.... he couldn't.... no way, that would be almost as bad as kissing Mal.... Harry's train of thought chugged away

"May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb."

"Hung for who?"

"Nothing Neville. Go back to sleep."

"Okay."

A few minutes later and wearing a pair of Ron's Chudley Cannons briefs (which were a little too big, thus resulting in saggy-bum) Harry decided he may as well eat despite the risk of being outed to the school by Draco Malfoy or Peeves and trudged off to the Great Hall for breakfast.

You know when you really want something times seems to shuffle its feet and starts puttering around in circles? And then when you really don't want something time morphs into sine sort of really fast animal like a cheater only you can't tell if it's a cheater or not because it's moving to quickly for you to get a decent look let alone a picture? Well, Harry got to the Great Hall so quickly he suspected he may have apparated unintentionally.

"Perhaps I apparated."

"Don't be silly Harry you know you can't apparate within the Hogwarts Grounds."

Ah yes, Hermione, he'd temporarily forgotten about her

"I forgot about you."

Hermione huffed and her hair got a bit frizzier,

"Well that's nice."

"Oh sorry Hermione, I didn't mean..."

"No, you just didn't think."

Harry grouched

"I did so think! I just have a lot on my mind! Lots of..." ah hell, he'd almost of forgotten

"Fuck a duck."

"Harry!"

"Sorry Hermione. Hey Ron."

Ron snorted at him through his mouthful of discoloured bacon.

"What did you say that for Harry?"

Oh shut up you horrible pain in the arse of hell!

"Horrible pain."

"What? Is your scar hurting again? Oh Harry, maybe you should go speak to Dumbeldore..."

Man, thought Harry, blah blah blah, like I have nothing better to do with my life than save the world with my scar... or is that because of my scar? I don't remember.

While Ron was eating, Hermione was lecturing and Harry was thinking, Harry neglected to notice that Draco Malfoy was looming up behind him as impressively as he could (which wasn't terribly impressive when you consider how short he is, but then in comparison to Harry that doesn't really matter anyway because Harry's short too so in actual fact it was kind of impressive... to a certain extent).

"We need to talk Potter."

"Argh!"

Harry hit his head again, only this time on his bowl of porridge in his attempt to get away

"Malfoy!"

"Potter."

"Malfoy!"

"Potter!"

"Malfoy!"

"Stop saying my name Potter! You stupid arse!"

"I like my arse!"

"Yeah well mine is better!"

"Yeah I know!"

There was a stunned silence down the Gryffindor table until Ron cleared his throat

"Erghkus."

There was further silence... eventually Hermione decided to speak as she knew that that was what she was always best at.

"Did you just complement Malfoy on his er... derriere Harry?

"No he complimented me on my arse Granger."

Hermione rolled her eyes

"That's the same thing Malfoy."

"Well why don't you just call it an arse Granger?"

"Whatever Malfoy, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Harry. Harry?"

Harry gargled on his spit until he almost choked at which point he thought it pertinent to swallow it

"Of course not, it was a joke. Wasn't it Malfoy? Just a joke. Sarcasm, irony, one liner, slapstick, commedia dell'arte, Pierrot clown thing, Monty Python..."

Malfoy quickly interrupted

"Too much information Potter, I don't want to know what you call it."

"What? No! I..."

"As I said, don't want to know Potter."

Ron sniffed the air

"Is that.... Is that sexual tension I can smell?"

Draco glared at Ron and Harry laughed nervously

"No of course not Ron, it's just your underpants."

"My underpants? But I'm not wearing any."

"Yeah but I am."

There was another silence.

"You're wearing my underpants?"

Harry shifted nervously,

"Uh.... Sorry?"

"You're wearing my underpants?! Please tell me at least not the Chudley Lucky pair!"

"Euh...."

Hermione frowned disapprovingly at Harry,

"Why are you wearing Ron's underpants?"

"Uh...."

"Well you're just the regular little slut aren't you Potter?"

Was that a hint of hurt in Malfoy's voice?

"No way Malfoy! It's not like that!"

"You're wearing his underpants Potter. I can't believe you just use people like that."

Ron sniffed

"I can't believe you just use my Chudley Lucky's like that! They're ruined now!"

"Fuck a duck."

"Oh so you use ducks too Potter?" Now Malfoy looked really angry uh oh...

Seamus Finnigan who had been hiding under the table the whole time chewing on shoe laces crawled out yelling

"Potter's into bestiality!!"

There was an immediate onslaught of talk in which the words 'Harry Potter' and 'bestiality' were used frequently.

Harry grouched very loudly and shoving an upset Malfoy out of the way ran out of the Great Hall.

"Hey look everyone!" yelled Seamus "Harry's got saggy-bum! He must be wearing Ron's Chudley Lucky's! The bastard!"

Needless to say, Harry was not a very happy chappie but thought, at least Peeves hadn't been saying anything. Rounding a corner he slipped on a huge puddle of water in the corridor and bashed his head, the last thing he heard was Myrtle's maniacal laughter...

**_Authors Notes to 2nd Chapter reviewers:_**

_**Fantasy101:** Glad you like it (: did I update soon enough? (:_

_**Silent Sleeping in the Cold:** more sexual derangement in this chapter! Dum duuuum, hope you enjoyed!_

_**Anny Pervert Snape:** glad you thought it was funny (: ... yeah it is a bit of a lemon...only a bit though...... cough_

_**Authors Note to Draco fans:**_

_Sorry about their being not too much Draco he will be playing a larger part soon, maybe not in the next chapter but definitely in the one after that! Happy readings!_


	4. Ghosties

Harry woke up.... _Again_. This time was a little different as he was sopping wet not from a shower but from Myrtle's toilet water puddle. Sitting up groggily, Harry noticed that someone had put a circle of 'do not disturb' signs around him. Well, thought Harry at least someone respects me.

"Urgh..." he had another headache

"Ow. Headache." Not only did he have a headache but strange thoughts were floating through his head, like, 'maybe if I removed all my earwax the hurting would stop...', and 'would Myrtle stop giggling if I poked my toe?' and 'I think I kissed Draco Malfoy.'

"Urgh..." He just realised again that the last thing was true.

Hmmm thought Harry, if the last thing is true maybe the second last thing is true. Harry poked his toe. Myrtle continued to giggle. Harry tried poking another toe and Myrtle continued to giggle.

"Should I try the other ones?"

Myrtle stopped giggling "What other ones?"

Harry smiled vaguely, "Oh no need now."

Myrle scowled "Don't smile like that. Professor Lupin is the one that smiles vaguely."

He is? Thought Harry vaguely

"What do I do then?"

Myrtle rolled her eyes "You rant and rave about how the world isn't fair and how life sucks and I..." Myrtle began to sniffle "I just remembered that I'm not alive so life can't suck for me." Myrtle began to wail.

Ah man, thought Harry, life really does suck if I have to put up with her

"Maybe I should kill myself..."

Myrtle immediately stopped imitating a Banshee high on cough lollies

"Oh yes! Please do! I put up 'do not disturb' signs around you in the hope that no one would help you so you would die but you woke up to soon for anyone to not help you so you would die."

"You were trying to kill me?"

"Only a little bit."

Dude, my life really does suck

"Oh."

Harry scowled

"Well just to teach you a lesson I'm not going to kill myself."

"Oh no!" Myrtle's face crinkled up in despair

"Oh yes! So ner!"

Harry tried to stand up triumphantly, it was only slightly marred by him almost tripping over his robe hem and having saggy bum. When he finally stood up straight Myrtle was already in a full crying fit and so the effect was lost on her.

Unfortunately for Harry though it wasn't lost on everyone. Unfortunately for Harry there was an Evil Keneevil Weevil ghost watching the entire scene from around the corner with his handy dandy six foot periscope (which of course no one noticed). Unfortunately for Harry, upon seeing Myrtle miserable and Harry Potter with saggy bum the Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost quickly scuttled off to inform his Master of the situation. Unfortunately for Harry the Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost's Master was none other than the royal-bogart-annoying-gluteus-maximus PEEVES!

Harry meanwhile was not being superbly intelligent and was trying to get Myrtle to stop crying- a pointless aim as she would undoubtedly begin again some time later on. However, he did try and took his time about it, thus allowing enough time for PEEVES to arrive on the scene.

Over the din of Myrtle's wild and abandoned sobbing Harry suddenly heard a cackle

"Lookie lookie! It's Potty wee Potter playing hookie with the sookie!"

Myrtle screamed and ran into the bathroom so she could flush herself down a toilet and into the lake with the giant squid (who always listened to her woes and didn't like PEEVES either).

"Ack!" said Harry

Cackle! Went PEEVES.

"PEEVES!" Shouted Harry

"POTTER!" cackled PEEVES

"PEEVES!" answered Harry

"Potty Potter!" laughed PEEVES "I saw something last night, oh yes! Something very interesting indeed, two ickle boys KISSING! Spelt entirely in capitals! Oh yes!"

"Oh please PEEVES" Pleaded Harry "Please don't tell anyone about Malfoy and I."

Peeves looked at Harry shocked

"That was you?!"

"Uh... no..."

"And Malfoy?!"

"euh...Don't be stupid..."

"YOU and MALFOY?!"

"Uhm... no?"

PEEVES began to cackle again and Harry felt really dumb (as he ought to)

"NYAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Well, well, Potty and Malferret!"

"Please don't tell anyone PEEVES- I'll do anything!"

PEEVES eyes glinted and so did Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost's (he was watching from his vantage point around the corner with his six foot periscope that no one could see).

"Anything?"

"Yes! Anything!"

PEEVES puffed up his chest and demanded grandly "Give Me Your Underpants!"

Evil Keneevil Ghost snickered at the cunning of this.

Harry's eyes widened

"Negatory you perve! Hell no! That's a big fat minus sign for you!"

PEEVES smirked, "Well then I'll just go for a waft down to Great Hall...."

"NO!"

There was a pause, which, for dramatic effect should be long but actually wasn't, it was pretty much non-existent, in fact if one insisted on being nitpicky one could say there wasn't one, but we're not nitpicky so we'll just stick to there being a dramatic pause,

"Fine. You can have my underpants."

PEEVES grinned triumphantly. Harry performed some interesting acrobatic tricks which as yet don't exist and managed to pull of his underwear without taking of his pants, he handed them to PEEVES. Great, thought Harry as PEEVES and Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost cackled in unison, now I don't have any underwear on, oh well, at least I don't have saggy bum anymore. Just then there was a commotion from down the hall and a mob of people appeared

"There he is!" yelled the oh-so-helpful Seamus Finnigan

"Oy Harry!" yelled Ron "Give me back my Chudley Luckys and everyone's agreed to ignore that whole Malfoy thing and forgive you for stuff in general."

Mindful not to mention anything about ducks Harry swore "Shit a brick."

Ron frowned "Doesn't that hurt?"

"No, as in shit a brick."

"Oh... Why?"

It was then that PEEVES decided to join the Seamus Finnigan oh-so-helpful club and spoke, "He gave them to me!" and he waved the Chudley Luckys in the air

The whole mob gasped "NO!"

Ron almost died but luckily didn't and so could screech the following "YOU GAVE MY CHUDLEY LUCKY'S TO PEEVES?!"

Harry cringed, he sounded like his Mother, however, believing it wise to not mention this he instead said "Uh... yes?"

"WHAT?!" screeched Ron "WHY?!"

PEEVES cackled

"Because he didn't want me to tell you about him kissing Malfoy!"

All noise died. A cricket that attempted to chirp was quickly squished by Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost.

"Shit a brick." Said Harry as he yet again passed out with horror.

_**To Marvelloso Reviewers of third chapter:**_

_**Anny Pervert Snape:** Hello again! Hope this one makes you JAJAJA some more!_

_**Slash Lover: **Sorry you find it confusing, I don't really get it either- it just sort of happens that way._

_**Cgarles:** Coo-ul! That was like getting two reviews in one knowing that two people enjoyed it! Hope you like this one too!_

_**Starrarose:** huzzah! I incited a good laugh! Yay! Cheers to laughing because laughing rocks! Drinks all around!_

_**RaInMaGe:** I love being called quirky it makes my ego bubble up into a huge thing of bubblewrap! Nuts are good too-especially in ferrero rochers (sends virtual ferreros)_

_**Witchintraining:** You can't die yet! The fic isn't finished! Kinkyness isn't for a little bit yet but Draco is definitely in the next chapter._

_**To all readers: **Draco is definitely in next chapter all you Draco fans!_


	5. Rhyming Couplets

**Authors Note to faithful readers: **I am so sorry I have taken so long to update this- I've been going through a bit of a stressful time and also felt at a complete loss as to what should come next- I hope this chapter is alright- I felt so stuck. Again, I am really sorry. I hope this isn't too lame-o :>

**Definition of Feltching:** This is really gross- I'm sorry- apparently it's when people have anal sex and then someone sucks the semen out of the anus with a straw. I know, it's disgusting (no offence if you enjoy it- it just makes me feel sick at the thought- grooooss!)

**CHAPTER BEGINS:**

Once again, Harry awoke, once again, he was wet, once again he had a headache and once again he was surrounded by signs. These new signs read: 'It rhymes with hoof'.

Harry tried to blink away the sleep from his right eye which appeared to be glued shut and his left ear seemed to have static. He eventually gave up, it seemed he was doomed to be a one eyed, wet, headachy, deaf ItRhymesWithHoof for the rest of his life.

"My life is a bum."

"Don't be silly Mr. Potter."

And he was descended from a long line of people who made pots, had poor eyesight and had messy hair

"Joy."

"No I believe it's called gay Mr. Potter."

"Hey to you to Madam Pomfrey."

"Oh dear, one to many bumps to the head I'm afraid Mr. Potter."

Suddenly and quite nastily the Nurse's face came into view and she prized Harry's right open with her right thumbnail (specially grown for plucking her guitar).

"I'm sorry about the water, I had to wake you some how and as for the signs, I just don't have time to charm away Mr. Weasley's retribution for your filtching of his underpants."

Harry blinked in horror

"Feltching? I feltched Ron?"

Oh the horror!

"Nooooo!"

"Oh do be quiet Potter."

Madam Pomfrey bustled some more so she filled her bustling quota of the day and fussed with the pillows so they were suitably uncomfortable and tightened the sheets around Harry so his head had no circulation and would go satisfyingly purple. That done, she left his bedside and Harry had the peculiar sensation of pins and needles in his brain and eyeballs…. At least his headache was gone…

This, however left room for thinking on past deeds…

"Nooooo!"

"QUIET POTTER!"

Harry sobbed quietly into his over-plumped pillow, he was ruined, his hero image had been destroyed before but now they were probably going to make bad sitcoms about him and his life.

He could see the headlines now,

"Boy who lived, Out of the closet."

And he was pretty sure it wouldn't be to do with his old sleeping arrangements…. Pardon the pun…

There was suddenly a dark, dark presence…. A dark dark presence with white blonde hair and a mad glint in the corner of their left eyebrow.

"Uh… hello Malfoy."

"Shut it Pot."

"Consider it shut."

Malfoy came closer to the bed. Harry suddenly became increasingly aware of the fact that his head was purple and swelling, making it a very inviting target for abuse.

"Thankyou Potter."

Hang on… this wasn't right…

"Thankyou for ruining my life."

Ah this was better.

"That's better."

"Excuse me!"

I need to pee? What the? Harry suspected there may be something wrong with his ears, although Malfoy did look stressed…

"Maybe you'd better go then?"

"Go!"

"No, not in the Po, yuck!"

"THE FUCK!"

"Look Malfoy the whole duck thing is old okay? I'm sorry."

"THE FUCK!"

Harry opened his mouth to explain it was a figure of speech (he just didn't get why Malfoy was so hung up on saying THE DUCK!) when Malfoy cut him off

"Stuff it, it doesn't matter Potter. Why the hell did you tell Peeves we kissed?"

"Well everyone pisses Malfoy, anyway I didn't tell him that, why would I bother?"

"Not PISSED! KISSED!"

"I know we kissed Malfoy! Geez! Don't tell the whole world about it!"

Harry started to panic what was Malfoy yelling about it all for… then it happened, rememberance hit like a sledgehammer to a piece of unsuspecting cheese.

"Oh shit, everyone knows."

"No shit!"

"Yes shit!"

"You dick!"

"Don't call me a prick!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"I called you a dick!"

"I didn't tell anyway, Peeves saw!"

"What!"

"Snot yourself!"

"The hell?"

"What bell? If it's time for class then go."

"Potter!"

"What!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you!"

"No I don't want a bong- geez!"

Harry was becoming mildly disturbed by the fact that Malfoy was banging his head into the wall.

"Stop it Malfoy."

Malfoy didn't stop. Everything was going wrong! Harry's eye hurt, he had static in his ears, the whole world knew he kissed Malfoy, he gave away Ron's Chudley Lucky's he was wet, his head was getting more and more purple and more and more swollen, Malfoy wouldn't stop banging his head against the wall, and there were signs around his bed saying 'it rhymes with Hoof'!

"What bloody rhymes with Hoof!"

Malfoy stopped bashing his head, Harry suddenly wished he was still banging his head.

"Well you're such a damn fine poet today I'm sure you can work it out Potter… oddly enough all needs to bang you into the bed I was feeling about a day ago have taken on a slightly different meaning, so I'll just be going now."

With that, Draco hurricaned out of the room.

Harry marvelled at his fine arse as it swivelled out the door.

Just as Harry started to black out again due to lack of circulation to his brain he managed to croak out,

"How am I a woof?"

_**To the incredibly wonderful reviewers of the last chapter:**_

_**Witchintraining:** I promise you, Draco will be far more eager next chapter than he was in this one….. it starts with a k and ends in inky, but it won't be too extreme (: sorry_

_**SilentSleepingInTheCold:** You will be finding out more about people's reactions after the silence in the next chapter- there was only a small taste of it with the signs in this one…_

_**RehabisforQuitters:** I'm sorry I didn't update soon at all ): I hope you will still enjoy reading the fic as I get it started again_

_**Starrarose:** I hope this meets your expectations, the next chapter should be better either way. I'm glad you've been enjoying it._

_**Anny Pervert Snape:** I didn't update soon- sorry ): I hope you enjoy this chapter though, I'm hoping to get the other ones up much (much) faster than this one _

_**HPDM-Slash-Rocks:** Well I finally updated! Apologies for the wait! I hope you like it._

_**Slash-lover:** Hope you find this chapter funny as well!_


	6. Capitalised Things

There was no mistaking it. Harry's life was a disaster. Apart from a relatively decent start to the day (he wasn't wet, in a strange place or in possession of an alarming headache) everything else was bad… scrap that, thought Harry, I should spell it in capitals, it was BAD and Harry did not like it.

After escaping Madam Pomfrey's wrath (but not the 'It rhymes with hoof' signs which apparently had been charmed to follow him- Harry had since worked out it meant pouf- but why they were talking about footrests he didn't know), Harry had stumbled upon a gathering of people and a squished cricket. On closer inspection of the cricket Harry could see it must have been squished by a weevil….. a weevil of all things.

Hang on…. That's not just any weevil- that's Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost! And… is that PEEVES?

Harry blinked…. Surely not…. He blinked again… but yes, it seemed so. The awkward silence that had begun since his outing seemed to be continuing a total of three days later… Even Ron, after charming the signs for retribution must have returned to his former position, as there he was, frozen in place, in respect for the Everlasting Silence of Horror.

No-one was even sniffing which was weird because normally at least one person had an allergy or cold living in a dusty cold castle…

Feeling a little left-out Harry came to the completely normal decision to join in.

So he stood.

His big toe was really itchy.

No! Don't move Harry! You must respect the Everlasting Silence of Horror!

But dude! It's itchy! ACK! Now the whole foot is!

I mean it! Don't move.

Oh my random deity, thought Harry, I'm holding a conversation in my head with myself. Fuck, my whole leg is itchy- and now it's creeping into my butt!

Stuff it thought Harry, I shall have to scratch... subtly though!

And so began the Dance of the Itchy Butt.

Twitching first one buttock then another, then both at the same time, then a slight swivel of the hips with alternate and simultaneous twitching, Harry kept a careful eye that his Dance of the Itchy Butt wasn't disturbing the Respectful Vigil everyone was holding for the Everlasting Silence of Horror. Even the 'It Rhymes with Hoof' signs had ceased movement.

As his Dance of the Itchy Butt reached a crescendo, along with the accompanying Lift Music that had tiddled into his brain Harry felt a strong hand suddenly and roughly grasp his right buttock, causing it to cease all movement. The Lift Music carked it with the music. So all of a sudden Harry's world was consumed by the hand on his right buttock that was joined by a second hand on his left buttock and which were now tweaking his Taught Arse in unison.

A hot breath snuck into his ear and a whispered voice came, soon thereafter

"Fuck Potter."

The whisper didn't seem to disturb the Everlasting Silence of Horror so Harry decided to risk it too.

"Draco?"

"The one and only."

"That's my arse."

"I know."

"Ow! Don't pinch so hard!"

"Why don't you stop me?"

"I can't I have to respect the Respectful Vigil!"

"Fuck Potter, I saw you twitching your Taught Arse just then, you're respecting nothing. Fuck, it was indecent. As much as I could pound your head in, I could pound you at the same time it was so hot."

Harry, could feel a heat creep up the back of his neck, he hoped it wouldn't disturb anyone's Respectful Vigil.

"What say you and I, destroy the Respectful Vigil Potter?"

"How?"

Draco very suddenly leaned away from Harry, and then pushed him to the spot where he had passed out before, the whole time, Draco remained behind him.

Harry had a Very Bad Feeling About This.

Then, he felt thin, cool hands slide into the back of pants, past Ron's Chudley Lucky's (which he had somehow managed to re-acquire) to tightly grip the warm skin of his Taught Arse and squeeze. Harry hissed.

"Draco!"

One of the hands was starting to move into his crack. Oh my random deity! Stay quiet Harry! Don't disturb the Respectful Vigil or they'll see!

"Fuck! Draco!"

Harry tried to move his Taught Arse away from the probing fingers, when one of the hands swept around to the front of his pants to grab his Pillar of Glory and…. Lightly pull…

Harry groaned.

…. Then pinch

Harry screeched!

"FUCK!"

Very suddenly and nastily the Respectful Vigil of the Everlasting Silence of Horror was broken and everyone saw

"He's orgasming!"

"GET A ROOM!"

"Malfoy's a top!"

"HARRY'S A BOTTOM!"

PEEVES cackled

Harry screeched

"FUCK!"

And pulled away from Draco who smirked at him

"At least now they know that you're the submissive."

"FUCK!"

Harry suddenly felt a hand grab his arm, he swung around to see Hermione, Ginny and every other girl at Hogwarts, looking at he and Draco with glazed eyes

Hermione slowly took in a breath and shakily exhaled

"Fuck that was hot."

The glazed looks were now the looks of predators. Harry felt Draco twitch nervously next to him. Yes, Harry thought when he realised that not only did the girls look predatory, the boys looked murderously horrified, today was a BAD day, and unfortunately he wasn't about to pass out any time soon….

"RUN AWAAAAY!"

_**To the Fantastico Reviewers of Chapter number 5:**_

_**Emma Barrows:** Hey! I know you! You're from my Sirius repercussions fic! HULLO! Thankyou for reviewing this one too- are you fan of H/D?_

_**Morgan Dumouriez:** I don't quite know what to say apart from… Indeed._

_**SilentSleepingInTheCold:** lol- I hope you didn't hurt yourself and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

_**Kaleen:** I'm glad you enjoyed it (: Thanks for the feedback- I tried to make it a bit clearer this time, hope it worked!_

_**Ciao!**_


	7. Bard's Abuses

Holy Macaroni! Thought Albus Dumbledore, he stood back to watch the Screaming Horde of Girls and It Rhymes With Hoof signs stampede after a very desperate looking pair of boys. Before he could wonder why his brain suddenly latched onto the phrase 'Holy Macaroni'.

"Hmm, that would make a good password. I wonder if it would taste any good?"

He wandered back into his office, careful not to trip over or squish, Evil Keneevil Weevil Ghost's supremely evil twin brother, the aptly name Evil Tineevil Weevil Ghost (he was well known for his miniature suit of armour, made of an old can of tinned tomato soup- Andy Warhol would be proud).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or in this case, further down the hall:

Voices screaming, arms flailing and emotional states hysterical, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy tried to escape the Screaming Horde of Girls and the It Rhymes With Hoof signs.

Actually, they weren't entirely hysterical, Harry was feeling most put out that Dumbledore had done nothing whatsoever to help and Draco was feeling more than a little concerned about what all this running might be doing to his more than rather handsome knees and ankles. Harry chanced a frantic glance at Draco's face which looked less than impressed

"We'll head to the Room of Requirement!"

"Where?"

"THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT!"

A sudden squeal came from behind and they both heard Hermione shout to the other girls

"I know where that is! Follow me! I know a short-cut! We can beat them to it and catch them by surprise!"

Screams and hooplahs of excitement followed and the Screaming Horde of Girls suddenly swerved and stampeded up a flight of stairs.

Draco and Harry stopped running and watched them.

It seemed blind lust could turn even the most intelligent girls stupid.

"I thought you said Granger was smart."

"She is, but I never said she was subtle."

Draco raised his eyebrows and wisely didn't comment, he sighed

"I guess we won't be going to the Room of Requirement then."

"Hell no."

"Why in all the seven seas where they chasing us?"

"They thought we were hot."

"You? I think not- they must have thought I was hot Potter."

"No, it's like guys are turned on by two girls together, girls are turned on by two guys together."

Draco was horrified,

"Two chicks together! You like that? Icky te!"

"Icky te? You are such a poof." Oh my god. Harry looked at the It Rhymes With Hoof signs, prancing gleefully around them- it all made sense now.

"Well I'd say that the fact that I'm a poof was established Potter. Anyway, who you calling poof you fairy?"

Harry turned and glowered at Draco who was quickly degenerating to his previous state of Malfoy

"Queen."

Oho! Thought Malfoy so it's down to this is it? Well I can fight dirty! He sneered back,

"Queer."

The It Rhymes With Hoof signs danced with more excitement.

Harry gasped,

"Molesterer!"

Malfoy snorted

"Turd-ball."

"Bum-head!"

"Poo-face!"

"Hairy-legs!"

"Soggy-eyeball!"

"Faggy-hair!"

This time it was Malfoy's turn to gasp- that was low! It wasn't his choice! His father made him Brill-cream it! He puffed up his chest and let loose with the best insult he knew

"You boot-faced totem pole on a crap reservation!" a moment later he said

"OW!" he really wasn't expecting that punch, as he staggered backwards he heard Potter say

"You crusty batch of nature!"

Draco swung back, connecting satisfyingly with a crunch to the side of Potter's jaw.

"OW!" Harry hadn't expected Malfoy to retaliate, as he tried not to fall over he heard Malfoy say,

"You bolting-hutch of beastliness!"

Finally regaining his composure, Harry glared

"You smell of a mountain-goat Malfoy!"

"Yeah well you're an elvish, mark'd, abortive rooting hog Potter!"

"You leave rooting out of this! Hey, Malfoy you know your mother? The tartness of her face sours ripe grapes." Harry didn't have a chance to finish his I'm a Big Meanie Smirk as Malfoy let loose a roar and tackled him to the floor, making him lose his glasses,

"Yeah? You know, Weasel's Mum Potter? She is spherical, like a globe. I could find out countries in her!"

There was a brief tussle in which Harry ended up on top and as he lifted his hand to belt Malfoy in the face again, Draco threw his hands up

"No! Not the face! Please!"

Harry smirked

"Scratching could not make it worse- such a face as yours."

Draco sniffled and Harry was startled, he didn't make him cry did he?

"Don't cry. I didn't mean it."

With a triumphant yell Draco's sniffling abruptly stopped and he made an aggressive lunge to remove Harry from his stomach, it didn't work. Who would have thought Harry was such a heavy bugger?

An evil, salacious grin appeared on Harry's face as he realised he had complete control over Draco, a scandalous glint leapt into his eye and he was pleased to see a fearful look come over Draco's face as he trapped Malfoy's arms beneath his legs.

"A sub am I?"

Malfoy's eyes widened in panic as Harry leant over him, his indecent grin becoming all the more immoral as his hand accompanied it, creeping down between their bodies to grasp Draco's crotch very firmly indeed- he tugged.

"Eep!"

And upon hearing that decisively submissive sound Harry became entirely turned on and crushed his mouth down onto Draco's, doing things with his hand that were and still are illegal in many countries around the world. However, that's not to say it's the most illegal thing in the world, for instance, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorbike in the streets of London and in some states of America it is illegal to have sex with a Porcupine without it's full consent.

A cackle broke in on the moment and PEEVES squawked,

"I found them boys!"

A Horde of Outraged Boys came stampeding around the corner. Despite this and Draco's struggles to escape Harry continued on with what he was doing. There was a horrified yell from someone who sounded suspiciously like Gregory Goyle

"My eyes!"

Ron shouted,

"You adulterous thief Harry! You're still wearing my underwear! You hypocrite!"

Someone else joined in

"You virgin-violator!"

Luckily for them, Malfoy wasn't listening to them so didn't realise that he'd just been called 'inexperienced'- gasp shock horror!

More terror-filled yells filled the air. Incidentally, at this moment Harry decided to come up for air, he smirked down at Draco's delightfully bewildered face and thoroughly smooched lips. He glanced up at the Horde of Outraged Boys,

"Excuse me."

Silence Reigned.

"I am not a bottom."

A sudden shudder went through the group of boys and Colin Creevey ventured a comment,

"But you do have a fine one."

Neville Longbottom in,

"You know, that's actually kind of hot."

Vincent Crabbe leered suggestively

"Draco Malfoy as a sub."

There was a collective lust-filled sigh, then Ron Weasley shouted

"Let's get them!"

"YEAH!"

A shared thought passed through both Draco's and Harry's minds at that moment; 'Oh. Shit.'

Such is the simplicity of man to harken after the flesh. The It Rhymes With Hoof signs crept forward slowly…

**_A/N: Heya, this chapter I don't feel is really up to par, so I'm going to work SUPREMELY hard on the next one to make up for it- I promise. Also, a note to the regular readers: I may not be updating too quickly from now on because I have a few hellish months starting tomorrow- I will try my best to not be too sporadic though- all the best! Liv._**

_Many thanks to William Shakespeare for a large collection of wonderful insults!_

_**To the Incredible Reviewers of Capitalised Things:**_

_**PsychoticDeath:** yay! I made you laugh! (does happy dance)- you inspired me when you said it shouldn't be legal- I brought some of my extensive (cough) legal knowledge into this chapter! They are by the way, honest to deity real laws._

_**Amycharys: **Major Smut hey? I'll work on it, I'm going to have to troll through all the other slash fics first cos I'm not entirely sure about what constitutes NC-17 and what doesn't it- I'll try my best though!_

_**Lucius Malfoy of Slytherin: **I kept the signs seeing as you enjoyed them so much (: It should be more kinky next chapter- that's what I'm aiming for anyway, as the so-called plot degenerate so do the characters! _

_**Meg Finn: **lol, I'm glad you didn't- washing when you wouldn't normally need to is such a pain in the arse. Give your cousin a pat for me. Hope you enjoyed this chappie as well!_

_**Dione Shadow: **Yay for randomness! If you're still reading- hope you're still enjoying!_

_**Ember the Squirrel: **Hehehehehe, I figured some people might not- that's why I had Harry have his half-revelation- you did inspire me to make him work it out in this chapter though- thankyou!_

_**Bibliography:**_

_1. Troilus and Cressida_

_2. Henry IV, Part 1_

_3. Coriolanus_

_4. Richard III_

_5. Henry V_

_6. The Comedy of Errors_

_7. Much Ado About Nothing_

_8. Love's Labour's Lost_

_9. Measure for Measure_


	8. Carking It

A big siren began wailing and the lust-filled horde and It Rhymes With Hoof signs froze in place, that big siren could only mean one thing- Dumbledore was dead! The It Rhymes with Hoof signs combusted in unison due to the despair of each and every person in the room compounding to create one nasty ambience.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed and collapsed on his knees, giving himself carpet burn and bruises and ignoring Draco's attempts to placate him.

A troop of death-eaters that looked suspiciously like storm troopers with black cloaks shucked on started blasting spells at him.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!"

His little toe was now the size of a very small potato- Draco was mildly repulsed and began checking out Neville whose toes were all normal sized.

Then there was a voice in Harry's head and it wasn't parseltongue- it was Dumbledore!

/Use the force Luke/

"Huh?"

/Oh sorry, I mean RUN HARRY/

So, grabbing a reluctant Draco and accidentally giving him a Chinese burn, Harry ran, slipping on a random puddle of slime left by Jabba the Hut on his way.

**_A/N: Sorry dudes! I couldn't resist! I don't have enough time to write a proper chapter so I thought I should do something, and after reading HBP this is what happened… Things will return to normal in the next chapter- sorry if I disappointed you but I figured something was better than nothing._**

**_To the Incredible Reviewers of Bard's Abuses:_**

_**Enlightenment:** Heya, your wish is my command! Shackles will be coming up soon! Sorry I killed the signs ):_

_**Emma Barrows:** not sure if this is quite what you expected-this is just due to lack of time at my end- hope you continue reading!_

_**Mistress of the Light:** Sorry about slow and lousy updating- I've just started on a big production and am in rehearsals all day every day- I'm having trouble getting the time to write. Hope this was alright for you!_

_**Lucy Malfoy of Slytherin: **The signs may kill you but I kill the signs- sorry! This is a filler until I have the time to write a decent chappie for you!_

_**Meg Finn: **I dread to think of what the painter almost witnessed in that case lol- better chappies on the way!_

_**Tom:** euh…thanks for enlightening me? I never realised a fic could be retarded, if however you were just saying it as an insult I feel it my duty to point out to you that that is politically incorrect, like you, I just thought you should know._


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